I want to be a monk!

I am still undecided which path should I take, but I am aware that all roads end to Him. These past months, I have been thinking long-term plans: proceeds Theology, earned a degree in Mariology, teach Philosophy for a year and find a girlfriend perhaps?

I see myself unfit for priesthood and unprepared for monastic life. This apprehension came into my mind through careful reflection and evaluation of self.

I am very grateful to our Lord for all the gifts He gave me especially my seminary formation. I come to meet myself and mostly to know Him personally. I am thankful with the direction I received from my Formators and the inspiration from my seminary brothers who helped me to sustain my call and motivate me to go deeper. I am convinced that there are more things to learn, more lessons to understand, and more life I need to live.

Life is beautiful and will always be if I let myself be painted with God’s love. My doors are still open for whatever circumstances I’ll face in the future. I am confident and unafraid despite of the uncertainty life brings. I have faith in Him. This faith will bring me to see reality deeper than what my eyes can see.

I want to be a simple monk and that is all that matters to me now. I do still have fears of taking the leap, and monastic life, like any other vocation, is a leap to unknown. The only thing clear about it is an entrustment to the love of God. I have experienced His love, and I realized it is the only certainty worth having. The thought of becoming a monk someday brought me joy and peace.

St. Therese of the Child Jesus once asked, “If God is the head and we are the body, then who is the heart? I will be the heart”. Inspired by her simplicity and love, I want to be the heart too. I want to live in a world of prayer and sacrifice where I can pray for my soul and yours too, and for all. I had reflected that when doing active apostolate- (catechism, social action etc.) I am so limited, but when I curbed my hands and pray, my help is universal.

Having my exposure in different parishes brought to discover that a priest’s time is divided with so many concerns and cares that sometimes he does have a little time left to pray. I look at my brothers and see something which I understand so little. This few young men are still weak and immature despite of having a noble goal. There is a great need to clarify personal issues before taking on greater responsibilities. There are only a few who passed in my own “standard”. But in the end, it is not me who will qualify them for the priesthood, good thing, it’s God. At least, God knows what He’s doing.

I come to realize that I need to prepare myself for the advent of my true call. I only have one life to live and I want to live it for Him, with Him and in Him. I’ve done so many mistakes in the past- it is all I can give, it is all I have. Please pray for me as I pray for you.

May God’s love continue to inspire us to give all ourselves to Him.

May Mary, the Gate of Heaven, protect us under her mantle.

I pray then that we may always find ourselves in God’s embrace and in His unending grace.

In prayer and love,

Khim

I presume all of us wants a happy life, full of all that is right, good and true. But what in fact happens? Well, sometimes life can turn out to be not quite as beautiful as we would wish. Time of real testing come along, our dreams seems shattered; we begin to question the value of life: is still beautiful, despite all?

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Anything is possible in life if we have the right attitude to whatever happens, no matter how dreadful the situation is. The best is yet to come and whether it comes or not, it will depend on our perspective. There are many good things going on, there are many positive developments. Seminarians, for example, are more aware today the importance of fraternity and equality, and many are willing to struggle to defend it. These bring us together, despite our differences. Much is being done to overcome, at least lessen mediocrity; there is a growing sense of excellence. And yet, of we are honest, we have to admit that there is bad news too. Some are still in the process of knowing oneself; some seminarian’s insensitiveness and immaturities may damage or harm the community.

GETTING MY WAY

What explain these contradictions? One factor is certainly this: We live in a culture that tends to give greater value of ourselves than others. Seminarians cheat to pass the exam or stay at the top of their class. Seminarians tell lies to save himself from inconviences and responsibilities. Seminarians manipulate to get what they want for their own ends. Some slip into thinking that self-fulfillment equals self-affirmation, that to be happy is to make oneself “number one”, to place oneself at the center. When this happens, we start deciding whether things are good or bad by the advantage that we can personally get out of them. We think of ourselves more as an individual than as persons in relationship, and we struggle against anyone or anything that stands in the way of achieving our plans and goals.

IDEAL SEMINARIAN

So what is an ideal seminarian? A person who has learned to think of others before thinking of self; a person who has learned to read reality with the eyes of hope, seeing beyond the immediate, and so he is able to discover the good, the lovely, to know, that despite all, life is beautiful.

Falling in Love on New Year’s Eve

Nobody told me that love never fades, that lover never expires but just simply sleeps, and when the right moment comes…you know it’s magic.

I met her in the church on New Year’s Eve where I serve for the Midnight Mass in honor of Mary, the Mother of God. She wore a black dress with strips of white in between. She looked at me and I looked at her too. She never change and so my feelings for her. I used to sleep with thoughts of her. I look forward to those moments alone, hours of endless conversations, making plans to meet up, just sitting silently reveling in that feeling.

Oh and the countless hours of planning for a future together.

Do you remember that moment when you just “knew” you had fallen hard?

You just knew this is the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

It is certainly not the person, or even the life, I had envisioned as a young boy, yet, it is exciting, new, frustrating yet calming at the same time…

Ah….falling in love

There is a line in the movie, As Good as it Gets, when Jack Nicholson says: “You make me want to be a better man” and I believe that sums things up…when you truly fall in love it makes you WANT to be a better person not searching to be better to get something but truly, honestly, from the heart WANTS to be better that is what falling in love feels like.

One of the greatest feelings ever.

So she dragged me to spend the New Year with her. We hopped with our friend’s house and talked and talked; patching things up…trying to update oneself from the whole years experience one has gain. It was great, especially seeing her. We drove around the boulevard spending the nights (or dawn) together. We took pictures…trying to capture the moment…and in my part, trying to save what’s left in my heart’s microchip.

I have fallen in love without taking a step. I am all wrong for her and I know it, but I can no longer care for my thoughts unless they are thoughts of her. When I am close to her I feel her hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from her sometimes, and then I look back.

She sent me home and said goodbyes. She had to leave now…she needs to be with him now… And when she’s away I’ll send my heart back to sleep. I know we will meet again…

Next month?

Next year?

On New Year’s Eve.

The Love Letter

Dearest,

Do you know how much in love with you I am? Did I trip? Did I stumble – lose my balance, graze my knee, graze my heart? I know I’m in love when I see you. I know when I long to see you, I’m on fire. Not a muscle has moved. Leaves hang unruffled by any breeze. The air is still. I have fallen in love without taking a step. You are all wrong for me and I know it, but I can no longer care fo…r my thoughts unless they are thoughts of you. When I am close to you, I feel your hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from you sometimes, then I look back. When I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I drive my car, when I lie down each night without you, I remain,

Yours

its CHRISTmust

I’ve been in different places, been with different people, done hundred of interviews. Writing becomes my passport to touch and be inspired at the same time. I like to think that a person’s worth is measured not on what he/she acquired but rather how much he/she gave up so that others may have it.

Let me use this opportunity to say thank you for all people I come to meet who shape me as I am now.

For my PAPA and MAMA who taught me that love is unconditional

For my LOLA who believes that I am a saint in the making

My UNCLE who’ve always been very supportive for the new road I’ve trudging on

For my SISTERS who become villains but at the end of the day my true allies

For my COUSIN SADAM who always patch things up when I’m in trouble

For my BEST FRIEND GUYGUY whose company will always bring laughter and tears

For my AUNT TINA who always accommodate with warmth love every time I get scolded at home

For my BATCH MATES who are like seasonings…with different flavors but when combined…tastes heaven

For my FORMATORS who formed me to be what I am now

For my SEMINARY BROTHERS who are my c0-journeyers in this path less traveled

For our SEMINARY COOK who feed me and keep the kitchen open late at night because they know I am always get hungry…

For our SEMINARY DRIVER who fetch us up during classes…and my laundry

For my CLASS IN CATECHISM who listen to my stories and laugh at my not-so-funny jokes

For my CRUSH who makes me blush every time I see her…haha

AND TO ALL THE PEOPLE SOMEWHERE OUTHERE…

LIFE IS A BIG PUZZLE

EACH ONE OF US IS THE MISSING PIECE OF HIS/HER PUZZLE

ONLY THEN WHEN WE COME TO MEET

WE BECOME COMPLETE.

AND ABOVE ALL TO THE PERSON WHO I LOVE ABOVE ALL OTHERS BUT WHO LOVES ME MORE THAN HIMSELF…

JESUS CHRIST

Its CHRISTmust!

Merry CHRISTmust 

Exams done! Thank God. I had spent two nights in a row with no sleep.

Procrastination guarantee.

So, life still continues as it is.  I still read, still sleep.  The deeper I’ve come to meet myself I realize that I am more than what people may think about me. No one can define me. I will always be a mystery to others and especially to myself.

After spending 3 long years of seminary formation, with all the reflections I’ve done, I come to the conclusion that I am not fit for priesthood. I don’t dream to be a priest anymore…I dream to be a saint now.

Much love,

On Lanterns, Caroling, and Sad Goodbyes

The mere sight of a lantern swaying in a little finger of a grade schooler may seem indifferent to many. The same indifference is felt for a child who flattened and fastened soft drink caps together for his caroling. But a second look at the dancing lantern and appreciative listening to ring-a-lings and jingle bells of children reveal a familiar connection.

Christmas is here. Yes! One of the wonderful times of the year is making a graceful and harmonic unfolding. And just as everybody begins to notice of this season, Christmas lists are not far behind.

As early as September, Christmas songs are already frequent hits in the airwave. Shopping centers have already set for massive consumers. This is foresight at its best. Think about pastoral apostolates where cliffhanging experience is an advantage. Parish immersion with accompanying agendum of expanding one’s circle of friends. Self-imposed home exiles under the name of patching unresolved issues. And don’t forget-asking donations under the disguise of Christmas caroling. These are just the structures making up an exciting Christmas vacation. But before thinking about these things, isn’t it worthwhile to discover the irony when the year is about to end?

No doubt the soon-to-end year has left traces of fond memories eternally stored in a heart-shaped microchip: community social gatherings, assemblies, recollections, pastoral assignments, classes. The nostalgia reaches heavenward and there is a reason for rejoicing. These activities have in a way brought out the good and best in us. Throughout the year, we have tried to journey as “men who are ready for the ministry of the Catholic Church and service for others”.

Thank God. With this thrust as our guide, we brisk past the year whole and entire and with the energy-filled desire to be holy priests.

Alongside the happy memories enveloping each one of us is the painful acceptance that we cannot continue the journey with the same faces on board. The fourth years will be graduating soon.

If their absence can create an emptiness comforted only by a daily reminisce of good old days, think about the pain over the leave of those preferring to take regency and those wanting to stay but doomed otherwise. For sure, words of good luck are not enough to see them off. If only there is a word more descriptive than merely missing them.

This only shows how the formation has begun to take root in our system. The months of being together have made everyone an important link in a chain called partnership. Then, comes the time to bid farewell. The pang of separation ensues.

Perhaps the year’s closing is just one of the ironies life teaches her students. There’s the inexpressible joy of making it to the next round but also there’s the inconsolable sadness of seeing friends go. But isn’t life supposed to include a time to embrace and a time to let go? A time to seek and a time to lose? (Ecclesiastes 5-6)

The irony stays and one has to learn to live with it. If this moves one to meet his real self, then fine. If not, then there’s a need to drop a few plans in favor of new ones to answer one’s needs. But for the meantime, why not try caroling to enjoy Christmas. If you’re too old, there is always plan B – settle for crafting lantern. That’s flexibility.

short story…

I was one of the 9 pre-college seminarians all studying philosophy. All together more than 75 prayed, studied, ate, slept and prayed together. I soon discovered however, that sleeping and eating were the number one sports. Also, they were always laughing and making fun of holy things. When asked about this, they only laughed and made fun of me. How the Rector could allow them to get away with the jumping the wall at night to go visit their girlfriends and drink beer, I couldn’t imagine. Though many of the seminarians were well meaning and sincere, some were not.

Free education, compliments from generous benefactors – whom they would reverently visit on monthly going homes – was a great attraction for me. These same ones were the most irreverent in the chapel. As far as I could see, the Church was in trouble.

It wasn’t long before I was in trouble too. The Rector called me into his office, and occurrence which normally happened for colloquium twice a year. He sat me down, and with a sly smile said, “Your grades are very good. You are very good too, it seems….” scratching his bare head, “But you don’t get along very well with your fellow seminarians”.

This was true. We were like oil and water. Then, coming back to my senses, thinking how less influential I was, I decided to take regency.

At school’s end, ‘Tay and Nanay dropped me off at my Lola Epang’s house. During that time, heavy rain spoiled my summer dream and I had to dream up some other summer amusement. Besides, things are not good at home now. My mother can’t seem to stand the sight of me, and says I should go get a job instead. I was likely a lonely bird on a roof.

The first day of summer, Lola Epang and I talked about everything under the sun. Finally she asked me, “Are you going back to the seminary?” “I’m already taken”, I laughed. “No I don’t want to come back, I’m afraid to become a parish priest”.

The summer was a hot one, ripe for big decisions that would affect for the rest of my life. Over the next two years life went on.

My cousin, being out of job, borrowed a small boat from Tito Imok and became a fisherman, playing the placid waters of Pinahon for danggit and tuloy. We went out on water each day. At dawn, after stowing the nets we’d sail out to the middle of the big blue sea to watch the sunrise over the land. Seeing “home” from a distance pierced me with a sudden pang of wanting to go beyond it. Chatting for hours in the boat, the two of us were floating beyond the world.

Fishing day after day, I felt Jesus was calling me to walk on water and become a fisher of men once more, this time, I’m bringing a salbabida. I told him my thoughts. He looked longingly across the sea to where the hills reflected the sun, “Are you sure this time?” I think I’ll never be happy in this life…I need to go back to be alive again.

That day we said good-bye, promising to write what we could not say.

Ave Maria!

I had planned to spend my Christmas break in a Trappist monastery in Guimaras. I have decided just where I want to go, I would go to some quiet place, and spend days reading and writing and praying and meditating.

I need this support, this nearness of those who really love Christ so much that they seemed to see Him. I need to be with people whose every action will tell me of Someone who’s waiting for me.

I want to go on to the path He has set for me. Love God and continue to pray for Him more. I have arisen and started on a journey that seeks Him. I have begun to travel that road that will lead me to sell all and buy the pearl of great price.

There is something in my bones that tells me that I ought to find out whether my intense desire to lead this kind of life in some monastery are illusions. I realize that this will be the best time to take that problem by the horns and overcome it, not by my own efforts and meditations but by prayer and advice of an experienced priest. And where will I find anyone more experienced in such matters than in a monastery of contemplatives?

I no longer needed to get something, I needed to give something. I feel, day after day, feeling more and more like the young man with great possessions, who came to Christ asking for eternal life, saying he had kept the commandments asking, “What is yet wanting me?” Had Christ said to me: Go sell what you have, and give to the poor, and come follow me?

As the days of my seminary life is shortened, it seemed to me that this is what He is asking of me.

It would be the best Christmas gift I ever have.

In prayer,

Khim

PEACE IN MINDANAO

We have been hearing a lot about the ambush which resulted in the death of 19 marines in Zamboanga Sibugay by the rouge members of MILF. At first, we were all disturbed by this chaos, but then we grew used to it. We shrug our shoulders as if all this were just part of daily life of the intricacies of Philippines political system.

We have to say that at the root of the lack of peace, there are differences in beliefs and ideology. They are Muslims. We are Christians. But, does that mean we are not of the same race? Despite our differences, we are all both brothers and sisters living in one land.

In a community like our Cor Jesu Seminary, minor disputes of about beliefs and opinions are inevitable, especially since we the students come from different regions and dioceses of Mindanao. We may have arguments, but all the same we are brought into this community to achieve one goal- serving the Lord. The issue here is, How am I going to be a brother to my brother? How can I contribute in my own little way to the attainment of peace in this land?  These are difficult questions to answer, but there are no problems we can not solve together and very few that we can solve by ourselves.

Ninoy Aquino once famously said, “The Filipino is worth dying for”. But perhaps we could go even further: “If there is anything at all worth dying for, it is peace”. The hard question though, it is: What do we need to do to attain peace within ourselves and within our brothers and sisters?

As seminarians, we are called to share the work of peace. If we could only envision peace in its many forms, in its many colors, then it will never be a distant star. It all depends on our perception. It all depends on you. Peace could be you. Peace be with you!