I want to be a monk!

I am still undecided which path should I take, but I am aware that all roads end to Him. These past months, I have been thinking long-term plans: proceeds Theology, earned a degree in Mariology, teach Philosophy for a year and find a girlfriend perhaps?

I see myself unfit for priesthood and unprepared for monastic life. This apprehension came into my mind through careful reflection and evaluation of self.

I am very grateful to our Lord for all the gifts He gave me especially my seminary formation. I come to meet myself and mostly to know Him personally. I am thankful with the direction I received from my Formators and the inspiration from my seminary brothers who helped me to sustain my call and motivate me to go deeper. I am convinced that there are more things to learn, more lessons to understand, and more life I need to live.

Life is beautiful and will always be if I let myself be painted with God’s love. My doors are still open for whatever circumstances I’ll face in the future. I am confident and unafraid despite of the uncertainty life brings. I have faith in Him. This faith will bring me to see reality deeper than what my eyes can see.

I want to be a simple monk and that is all that matters to me now. I do still have fears of taking the leap, and monastic life, like any other vocation, is a leap to unknown. The only thing clear about it is an entrustment to the love of God. I have experienced His love, and I realized it is the only certainty worth having. The thought of becoming a monk someday brought me joy and peace.

St. Therese of the Child Jesus once asked, “If God is the head and we are the body, then who is the heart? I will be the heart”. Inspired by her simplicity and love, I want to be the heart too. I want to live in a world of prayer and sacrifice where I can pray for my soul and yours too, and for all. I had reflected that when doing active apostolate- (catechism, social action etc.) I am so limited, but when I curbed my hands and pray, my help is universal.

Having my exposure in different parishes brought to discover that a priest’s time is divided with so many concerns and cares that sometimes he does have a little time left to pray. I look at my brothers and see something which I understand so little. This few young men are still weak and immature despite of having a noble goal. There is a great need to clarify personal issues before taking on greater responsibilities. There are only a few who passed in my own “standard”. But in the end, it is not me who will qualify them for the priesthood, good thing, it’s God. At least, God knows what He’s doing.

I come to realize that I need to prepare myself for the advent of my true call. I only have one life to live and I want to live it for Him, with Him and in Him. I’ve done so many mistakes in the past- it is all I can give, it is all I have. Please pray for me as I pray for you.

May God’s love continue to inspire us to give all ourselves to Him.

May Mary, the Gate of Heaven, protect us under her mantle.

I pray then that we may always find ourselves in God’s embrace and in His unending grace.

In prayer and love,

Khim

I presume all of us wants a happy life, full of all that is right, good and true. But what in fact happens? Well, sometimes life can turn out to be not quite as beautiful as we would wish. Time of real testing come along, our dreams seems shattered; we begin to question the value of life: is still beautiful, despite all?

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Anything is possible in life if we have the right attitude to whatever happens, no matter how dreadful the situation is. The best is yet to come and whether it comes or not, it will depend on our perspective. There are many good things going on, there are many positive developments. Seminarians, for example, are more aware today the importance of fraternity and equality, and many are willing to struggle to defend it. These bring us together, despite our differences. Much is being done to overcome, at least lessen mediocrity; there is a growing sense of excellence. And yet, of we are honest, we have to admit that there is bad news too. Some are still in the process of knowing oneself; some seminarian’s insensitiveness and immaturities may damage or harm the community.

GETTING MY WAY

What explain these contradictions? One factor is certainly this: We live in a culture that tends to give greater value of ourselves than others. Seminarians cheat to pass the exam or stay at the top of their class. Seminarians tell lies to save himself from inconviences and responsibilities. Seminarians manipulate to get what they want for their own ends. Some slip into thinking that self-fulfillment equals self-affirmation, that to be happy is to make oneself “number one”, to place oneself at the center. When this happens, we start deciding whether things are good or bad by the advantage that we can personally get out of them. We think of ourselves more as an individual than as persons in relationship, and we struggle against anyone or anything that stands in the way of achieving our plans and goals.

IDEAL SEMINARIAN

So what is an ideal seminarian? A person who has learned to think of others before thinking of self; a person who has learned to read reality with the eyes of hope, seeing beyond the immediate, and so he is able to discover the good, the lovely, to know, that despite all, life is beautiful.

Falling in Love on New Year’s Eve

Nobody told me that love never fades, that love never expires but just simply sleeps, and when the right moment comes…you know it’s magic.

I met her in the church on New Year’s Eve where I serve for the Midnight Mass in honor of Mary, the Mother of God. She wore a black dress with strips of white in between. She looked at me and I looked at her too. She never change and so my feelings for her. I used to sleep with thoughts of her. I look forward to those moments alone, hours of endless conversations, making plans to meet up, just sitting silently reveling in that feeling.

Oh and the countless hours of planning for a future together.

Do you remember that moment when you just “knew” you had fallen hard?

You just knew this is the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

It is certainly not the person, or even the life, I had envisioned as a young boy, yet, it is exciting, new, frustrating yet calming at the same time…

Ah….falling in love

There is a line in the movie, As Good as it Gets, when Jack Nicholson says: “You make me want to be a better man” and I believe that sums things up…when you truly fall in love it makes you WANT to be a better person not searching to be better to get something but truly, honestly, from the heart WANTS to be better that is what falling in love feels like.

One of the greatest feelings ever.

So she dragged me to spend the New Year with her. We hopped with our friend’s house and talked and talked; patching things up…trying to update oneself from the whole years experience one has gain. It was great, especially seeing her. We drove around the boulevard spending the nights (or dawn) together. We took pictures…trying to capture the moment…and in my part, trying to save what’s left in my heart’s microchip.

I have fallen in love without taking a step. I am all wrong for her and I know it, but I can no longer care for my thoughts unless they are thoughts of her. When I am close to her I feel her hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from her sometimes, and then I look back.

She sent me home and said goodbyes. She had to leave now…she needs to be with him now… And when she’s away I’ll send my heart back to sleep. I know we will meet again…

Next month?

Next year?

On New Year’s Eve.

The Love Letter

Dearest,

Do you know how much in love with you I am? Did I trip? Did I stumble – lose my balance, graze my knee, graze my heart? I know I’m in love when I see you. I know when I long to see you, I’m on fire. Not a muscle has moved. Leaves hang unruffled by any breeze. The air is still. I have fallen in love without taking a step. You are all wrong for me and I know it, but I can no longer care fo…r my thoughts unless they are thoughts of you. When I am close to you, I feel your hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from you sometimes, then I look back. When I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I drive my car, when I lie down each night without you, I remain,

Yours