Drawn to God’s Existence

To believe in God for me is to feel that there is God, not a dead one, or a stuffed one, but a living one, who with irresistible force urge me towards more loving.

God existence is no more successful than say, searching for “Engakantos”. Until you see one, you won’t be sure that they actually exist. Yet the basic question should not be, Does God exist? The basic question should be, How do people become aware of God’s presence.

During one retreat about four years ago, it occurred to me that the whole retreat enterprise, could begin with different starting point. The best way to begin meditating and praying was to think about creation.Then we would have proven ourselves that there is a God behind it all whom we could confidently adress our words of adoration, praise, and thanksgiving. I must confess that I never got very far, because I never found my reasons or arguments for the existence of God to be sufficiently compelling-no matter how complex, intricate, beautiful, and awesome the works of creation appeared. My mind stumble, my prayer was confused, and I develop a strong distaste of retreats.

My mind engages upon it’s journey. It experiences the burden of ignorance, the thirst for understanding, the humiliation having spent time thinking over the things which are not worth knowing, the joy of discovery, the satisfaction of being united with what it has spent years attempting to understand. In short, my mind exhibits a spiritual journey of its own.

There are some people whose lives can be described as stories of being in love with God. As a person steps ever more deeply into the experience of loving God and of knowing the inexplicable goodness where on God love us, the whole life looks and feels rich with possibilities, ever fresh, unified, even transparently holy. People who are in love with God have much to teach us about what God is like. If we doubt in God’s existence, we would better listen to the friends of God-if we want to learn about the Holy Mystery which was permeated their lives. But I guess, they would not make the mystery of God present the way a magician springs a rabbit from his hat.

“Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in their mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God himself”


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