Rear Mirror

I’m spending some time in quite solitude, trying to sit as simply as possible with all my questions taunting me. I felt to create enough space inside to hear the voice of guidance. I still don’t think it will be easy to decide when to be flexible and when to remain true to my commitments. But once I have accepted the fact that it isn’t going to be easy, I will be amazed how much less difficult it becomes.

It’s been hard and even depressing to leave behind everything familiar and try to fit into what feels like a totally new world. Yet despite the trials of moving, I often find great adventures and possibilities in this new place. It feels like leaving the comfort and security of one stage of human life to venture into the unknown of another stage. This change makes me feel frighten, confused, and lonely. Yet I feel excitement and hope filled. It’s a strange world and I’m still getting used to it. Perhaps time could only tell what this life might turn to be as it unfolds. The good thing though, new experiences are constantly bringing new realities each day, which draws me to look into it in a different perspective.

I have been traveling the road of priesthood and there were moments in which I paused and tried to recall those that happened for the past months of my journey.  Most of my experiences have not met my expectations. I am often criticized, jeered and rejected by some people. I sometimes get bored because of the structured and routinary life i.e. waking up early and sleeping late, studying a lot with few times for relaxation, the deprivation of some things I wanted to do, and the top of all, Arnis classes during Tuesdays (I simply don’t understand the fundamentals of it). I tried all months not to run away from the pain of sacrifices, choices and decisions but to embrace them instead. I may find it difficult sometimes, still, optimism opens a new horizon on its end. I know I can do this and I can stand on the decision I have made then.

Living in the seminary for almost 9 months now, with all the reflections and discernment I have done, I found that as I grow in light in following Christ’s footsteps, I see more the result is paradoxical. The longer I travel the way of truth, light and holiness, the more sinful I seem! The reason is that when I see more, and the light shines back into dark corners of my consciousness, revealing what usually hidden from view.

Time after time, I forgot about being kind to those who envied me, who told stories about me behind my back, of being honest with those who lied to me and used me. I would plunge back into my world of comfort and small concerns. I abdicated the wear and tear of daily faithfulness of common things. To my rude awakening, I found that giving up the path of fidelity meant losing my home in the loyal presence of Jesus. With this burden, I approached the Lord for help and He granted me the silence of heart to realize that I’ve already been too far from seeing the real meaning of life. And I felt that I’m beginning to understand something, but I’m not exactly sure what it is.

I saw something ‘ugly’ in my life I haven’t ever seen before. It’s an image of my self as superior to others, more loved by God, more important. It’s a disturbing view of me that I haven’t been aware of. With each passing day, I am beginning to see more of my hidden self. The most surprising part is that I’m learning to love even that dark side of myself.

Often times we are afraid to face ourselves, our own shadows and weaknesses. That’s why we evade and go to our comfort zones whenever we cross the line that exposes our fear, our ugliness and dark secret, simply because truth hurts. Everybody has its own piece of cake with our frailties and shadows. But I believe that we can turn all these shadows to strength-and it is by choice! Recognizing this will help us grow in appreciation of who we are as a person. No matter how “ugly” we are, we can trace God’s miraculous work in our life. Bad things submitted to God become good in his hands. In moments of darkness, we still find God. Indeed, He is never absent.


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