When I’m Home

I love my parents…I really do. And I terribly miss them when I’m in the seminary. When I come home for monthly visits, my mom would tell me the latest issue of my dad’s “unfaithfulness“. I just sit and listen…sometimes I pretend that I’m really avid to hear her sentiments and mostly I  do. And it makes me sad hearing her getting tired living with my dad. She’s really hurt I know. And I tried much to comfort  her (at least it’s all I can do for her). Yet, I can’t help myself drowning with her sadness. (sigh) Wish my parents would be OK.

I always wanted a family that is united, supports each other, love, care  each others safety and most of all being happy together.But recently I felt very disappointed, not recently kind of case. Is like adding on to more disappointments for my 20 years of life with them.

It started like this.

My family used to live simply in a baranggay 20 kilometers away from the city. It was a haven of serenity. I was brought up with love.  I and my sister would usually spend our carefree hours fishing. Then we started to grow and learn… carefree hours were now spent in books with no pictures.

In school we learn a new type of competition- it’s now evolve from catching fish. Of course, we met new friends to be acquainted with. We now have someone to call best friends.

Then a small school wasn’t enough for one’s big brains and dreams.  My mother decided to work abroad to lift my father’s scale. The whole family was separated… I lived with my Lola, my sister stayed in a dormitory, and my younger sister with my aunt. Then, after a couple of years, the chapter of tears and homesick came to an end. Yet, we’ve been surprised with the reunion… each of us became a stranger!

I’m sure many parents had quarreled before, not just my parents. Some may have it worse than mine. But sometimes I can’t take it.  Every time my parents have a fight  I try to pretend that I can’t hear them. Well of course it doesn’t work because their voices (especially my mom) is so freaking loud and sometimes I’m embarrassed to think that the neighbors might hear them too.

My dad doesn’t usually start the quarrel with my mom. My mom does. She always starts it. Sometimes I understand that she gets annoyed at certain things my dad does but I don’t find it a good reason as to why she should start quarreling over it. And my dad’s already old. When I was small sometimes he sends me to school, picks me up from school, does small errands and chores in the house. My mom heard nasty gossips about my dad and she accuses him of chasing after another woman who I’ve never heard of before and has never come to our house once.  My dad doesn’t usually  stays at home the whole day unless he has to do something (which is fixing something).

Once my dad completely lost it and he yelled at my mom. When they quarrel my dad and my mom vent out all their anger on each other until she starts crying and it just stops there and he leaves her alone. But that one time when he lost his temper I thought it was the end of my family. My dad even suggested to my mom that if she doesn’t like him then they might as well have a separation. But she started yelling at him some more about how he always gives up on things and never cares about anything but himself.

When I was younger I thought my dad was the bad person but now that I’m older and I listen carefully to them I feel like both of them are wrong. I love my mom and my dad. When they’re not quarreling and talking about weird things they make me laugh so much. But they’re quarreling more than often now (even right now, they’re not talking to each other). Once I though that one of them would come in my room after their quarrel and would hugged me and kept saying ‘Sorry. I love you.’ And I cried so much not because I was hurt by their quarrel but because  it feels like they’re not troubled by it.

I’m not trying to blame it all on my mom, (and lately I’ve been thinking maybe she’s reaching menopause or something D:) and I’m closer to my mom than my dad. I’m scared to talk to my mom about this because she might start scolding me and accuse me of hating her. Once my sister and my mom had an argument and my dad tried to calm my mom down but she started quarreling with my dad saying that he hates her and my sister  hates her too. (Drama queen much?)

I’ve never speak up whenever they have fights and I’m scared to even talk about it to my mom. But knowing my mom, talking about it to her doesn’t even help because she doesn’t even want to listen. She’ll make up some excuse and push it away. And I don’t know what I should do. I’m scared that they’ll really be separated, even though maybe it’s better that way.

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