To be or not to be

I keep on thinking about becoming a monk; where I could live in a monastery on the peak of the mountain and contemplating in/with God. I still remember when I was young…with my desire to live in a monastery and keep on asking my parents when will I be a monk. “When you grow up”, was always their reply.

Now, I’m not in a monastery, but I guess I’m getting older and ready to choose what I want. Yet, here I am struggling in a seminary. Well, honestly it’s not a perfect place for solitude, not even close to. Most  seminarians are talkative and oftentimes mushy. Even during our Liturgy of the Hour, we keep on having chitchats.

It’s the opposite of what I like- silence and solitude…but this is now my home. I have come to realize that its God wants and not mine that matters. God works in ways I can’t understand and despite of that I choose to let Him drive my life.

St Francis.

He’s one of my“close saints”; patron of my heart (I have chosen a couple of saints as special patrons of my body…)

So…it is poverty, life of simplicity, and superb holiness that made me fall in love with Francis. He reformed the church through his poverty and penance.

OFM (Order of Friars Minor) the order that Francis founded was my first choice. So, last summer I visited the FI (Franciscan of the Immaculate) in Cebu for spiritual nourishment. Inside the walls of the convent, I realized that it’s too hard to live as Francis did. I discovered that my heart is opposite to his. Mine is arrogant, selfish, self-love- I have desires to be rich and famous, to earn recognition… the list of wants is too long!

I hope and trust in God’s grace that soon He will transform me to be a person He wants me to be. And I have great confidence with my Mother Mary and she will keep on praying for my conversion.

Well, I didn’t get the things I want, yet I received more than I expected. God loves me and I love God– intimate relationship matters a lot! I must strive to make my Heart grow BIG in loving God: To love Him above all things, to love what He loves, to hate what He hates, and abide myself to His Holy will.


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