(sigh) you mess again

 

Sometimes I came to the point of giving up everything I valued most- my dreams, my desires, my aspirations. It’s too hard to keep them causing you pain plus difficulty of sleeping. There are also people who want to drag you down and suck all your vigor leaving you hopeless and tired.

I still find it inspiring when someone achieves his/her dream. But it doesn’t help me anyway how to achieve mine. Though it’s quite complicated how, until now, I still continue to hope that despite of all the failures I had and going to have, I still manage to dream even more and better. There’s always a bright side of having a positive attitude.

Last night, I can’t sleep. Keep thinking and trying to evaluate myself.

Physically I’m okay, well, a little colds won’t be a good reason for difficulty of sleeping. Despite that I’m physically okay, yet the paradox is that deep inside, I am rotten, decayed. I do lots of sinning lately. And prayer? I had abandoned it a week ago.

With so many things I want to do for my break, I find less time to pray yet more time to do foolishness. I became a child of this world- too occupied of my pleasures. I tried to change the channel of my thought, I don’t want to hear the voice inside that says, (sigh) you mess again.

But the more I tried, the more loudly and audible it is. The message is clear and even I tried to ignore it, the more it haunts me. I haven’t done grave sins I guess, yet why I feel so sick, so embarrassed so filthy?

I guess, it’s God’s ways of saying, “We need to talk”.

So I woke up, curbed my hands and began to pray.

At first I found it difficulty of praying, must I pray for the grace to pray? So I quit talking…I listened…and I understand.

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