Heart’s longing

I strive to grow in my vocation.

I stand watchful over the changing landscape of my life. From here I can see the springtime of promise. I can feel the surging hopes and the sharp, fresh edges of my dreams.

This year’s formation has changed me.

I am more patient now. Like the crops in the field, I know that there are times to act and times to wait. The seeds I have planted will blossom only when they will, and nothing I can do will rush them.

I am clearer. My youthful desires and dreams have settled into simpler truths, and common kindness seems enough. I know what is my heart’s deepest desire…I know now where my heart is.

I bear burdens more gladly. The joyous weights of being a seminarian have softened my heart, and I more willing to embrace the obstacles and limitations of the life I am striving to faithfully live out. Allowing myself to be surprised by God.

And I know more of love, because I have experienced it day by day, through the joy of friendship my brothers generously shares… and I treat it with more respect.

I learned that my own growth cannot take place without growing with others. God may chose me individually but He wants me to come together, rubbing elbows with…to allow me to come to deeper maturity.

But most of all, I am gentler with myself and others, because I know something now of grace – how much my life is a product of touch, of glance, of mercy, of forgiveness, of God’s surprises.

And so I am thankful. The chances I have received seem more gifts and less likely my due. But, there are times, when I, too, have been too self-absorbed, like the barren soil, producing nothing, empty of love.

But behind all these, I am looking forward with the eyes of hope. Trusting in God’s grace, more willing and courageous to a new adventure ahead of me.

I want to be a monk!

I am still undecided which path should I take, but I am aware that all roads end to Him. These past months, I have been thinking long-term plans: proceeds Theology, earned a degree in Mariology, teach Philosophy for a year and find a girlfriend perhaps?

I see myself unfit for priesthood and unprepared for monastic life. This apprehension came into my mind through careful reflection and evaluation of self.

I am very grateful to our Lord for all the gifts He gave me especially my seminary formation. I come to meet myself and mostly to know Him personally. I am thankful with the direction I received from my Formators and the inspiration from my seminary brothers who helped me to sustain my call and motivate me to go deeper. I am convinced that there are more things to learn, more lessons to understand, and more life I need to live.

Life is beautiful and will always be if I let myself be painted with God’s love. My doors are still open for whatever circumstances I’ll face in the future. I am confident and unafraid despite of the uncertainty life brings. I have faith in Him. This faith will bring me to see reality deeper than what my eyes can see.

I want to be a simple monk and that is all that matters to me now. I do still have fears of taking the leap, and monastic life, like any other vocation, is a leap to unknown. The only thing clear about it is an entrustment to the love of God. I have experienced His love, and I realized it is the only certainty worth having. The thought of becoming a monk someday brought me joy and peace.

St. Therese of the Child Jesus once asked, “If God is the head and we are the body, then who is the heart? I will be the heart”. Inspired by her simplicity and love, I want to be the heart too. I want to live in a world of prayer and sacrifice where I can pray for my soul and yours too, and for all. I had reflected that when doing active apostolate- (catechism, social action etc.) I am so limited, but when I curbed my hands and pray, my help is universal.

Having my exposure in different parishes brought to discover that a priest’s time is divided with so many concerns and cares that sometimes he does have a little time left to pray. I look at my brothers and see something which I understand so little. This few young men are still weak and immature despite of having a noble goal. There is a great need to clarify personal issues before taking on greater responsibilities. There are only a few who passed in my own “standard”. But in the end, it is not me who will qualify them for the priesthood, good thing, it’s God. At least, God knows what He’s doing.

I come to realize that I need to prepare myself for the advent of my true call. I only have one life to live and I want to live it for Him, with Him and in Him. I’ve done so many mistakes in the past- it is all I can give, it is all I have. Please pray for me as I pray for you.

May God’s love continue to inspire us to give all ourselves to Him.

May Mary, the Gate of Heaven, protect us under her mantle.

I pray then that we may always find ourselves in God’s embrace and in His unending grace.

In prayer and love,

Khim

Cross Marks the Spot

There are so many times in life-and I have them-when I was really afraid. I was kind of a closed in, self involved person who was just trying to stay in that safe place and that nest where I had good friends and people who are just like me.

When I was in college, life was just plain, nothing’s special, but just plain living. I easily get dissapointed with everything. The way I look, the clothes I wear, the friends I have, everything even my shortcomings. I’ve always thought for the missing piece in me. I felt incomplete, like a drifter; without a purpose. Sometimes I wake up late at night thinking that I’m not living just existing.

Then it started. The quest!

I believe that the best starting point of my quest would be in a seminary. A place where I could serve and be a blessing. A place where I could grow spiritually; to earn spritual muscle. A place where I find my true purpose, my true value. A place that would taught me about Jesus; his character, his life, his existence.

I’m craving to know Him, so that I may follow Him closely. A preparation for the great commitment of the great commandment for the great commission. My life purpose is to be a member of Christ family, a minister of His grace, a model of His character, a messenger of His word, and a magnifier of His glory. And the best way to spell it is P-R-I-E-S-T.

I am going to serve Him with all my heart and the best way of my shape.

The search starts here, where cross marks the spot!

“At my Lola’s house, it gets so dark, I look at the stars and I feel like I can just reach out and grab them. I love her so much and I love this place so much (it hurts). I stay here because I need to find myself and to learn contentment. Here it’s me talking…it’s my soul talking”